Queen of Monsters and Madness Read online

  Sage swallowed. “Wait for her to live or die?”

  “That depends on the fever and if Jasmine is a fighter,” Mira said grimly.

  A halfhearted laugh escaped Sage as she glanced back at Jasmine. “Fighter would be an understatement. She’ll survive.” She had to.

  “I dearly hope so,” Mira said, squeezing her hand and standing.

  “She has to,” she whispered, staring at the girl who had dared to help her—and at a greater cost to herself. “She has little ones who need her. Jasmine wouldn’t let anything take her from them.”

  Jasmine’s niece and nephew meant the world to her. There’s no way her feisty friend would die from something as common as a fever. She couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. Sage’s mind turned to the twins. Where were they?

  “I need to speak to Tehl.” She turned back to her parents. “Better yet, take me to him.”

  “You’ve just awoken.” Mira placed her hands on Sage’s linen-clad hips, causing her to pause. “You’re not well enough for that. I refuse to nurse you back to health again because of your bullheadedness.”

  Sage recognized her friend’s stubborn stance from prior times. There would be no changing Mira’s mind. Her gaze narrowed on the Healer, Mira’s attire dawning on her. She wore only a shift. “Are you warming her?” Mira had done something similar for Sage when she was sick with fever.

  “Yes,” Mira replied. “Her fever is causing wretched shivers. I’ve had to place a thin cloth between her teeth, so she doesn’t break them.”

  The heat at her back shifted as Nali repositioned herself behind Sage. Her gaze moved to the feline who eyed her through the slits of her eyes. “Maybe she won’t need you anymore. I have something better.”

  Mira arched a blond brow. “You need your leren to keep yourself warm.”

  “I am in better health than Jasmine. Nali can help her more than myself.”

  “No.”

  The command in Mira’s tone gave Sage pause. She peeked at the healer through her lashes. “You presume to give me commands?”

  Mira raised a brow at her haughty tone. “I’m your healer and your friend. I will not let you jeopardize yourself because you feel guilty for the other girl. You are my priority.”

  Sage gaped at her friend. “I am healed.”

  Her friend snorted. “You’re not healed. I bet you can’t even stand by yourself.”

  She narrowed her eyes on the blond at the challenge, hating that she was right.

  “What about a compromise?” her mum offered. “Nali can be split between the two of you.”

  “I think we’re ignoring the most important being in this problem,” her papa murmured. He lifted his chin toward Nali. “It’s her decision. She hasn’t done a damn thing except for what she wanted to for the last few days.”

  That was true. Nali only did what she wanted.

  “Nali,” Sage murmured, stroking her head and left ear. “Would you help Jasmine?”

  The feline’s eyes slid toward Jas. It still amazed her how intelligent leren were. It was almost as if she understood every word she said.

  Nali’s golden gaze moved back toward her, and she chuffed before lazily stretching and arching her back. She hopped down from Sage’s cot, causing it to rock with her weight, and slunk around Jasmine’s cot. The leren sniffed Jasmine’s hair and sat staring straight at Mira.

  “I think that’s my cue to make room for her,” Mira muttered. She rushed to Jasmine’s cot and scooted the girl to the left side to make room for the massive feline.

  With care, Nali climbed onto the cot, dwarfing it, and settled. Immediately, Jas moaned and turned toward the leren. Nali nuzzled the girl and then laid her head on her paws, her eyes shut.

  “Well that settles that,” Mira said, placing a hand on Jasmine’s forehead. Her lips pursed as she pulled her hand away and tugged the blanket up over Jas.

  “Any improvement?” Sage asked, already knowing the answer.

  “None, but with Nali’s help, that will soon change,” Mira said brightly. Too brightly.

  Sage glanced away from Jas to stare at her hands in her lap. How many times would she put Jasmine in danger? Would this time kill her? Her hands curled into fists, her nails biting into her palm. She couldn’t break down now. Mira knew what she was doing. If it was within the Healer’s power, she would do it. As much as it killed her, now was not the time to worry about Jas. The warlord would have plans already in motion. No doubt Zane would—

  Her body stiffened, and her breath froze in her lungs.

  Zane. She’d used his name. Stars above, she was going to be sick.

  “Love?” Her mum’s voice echoed around her, distorted.

  “I’m going to be sick,” she mumbled through numb lips.

  She’d used his name, like a friend, like a lover. A bowl appeared in front of her right before she retched. Tears dripped down her face, her shame and disgust threatening to swallow her whole. After everything he’d done, she’d used his name? Maybe she was as depraved as he was.

  Sage panted and her lips quivered as small sobs escaped her. Large arms wrapped around her, and she gagged. “Don’t touch me,” she whispered.

  The arms immediately disappeared. “I’m sorry, baby girl.” Her papa’s voice was deep and near her ear, pain evident in his tone.

  She squeezed her eyes closed as more bile flooded her mouth. Poison. She was tainted by poison. Even now, poison was leaking from her, tainting everything around her, hurting those she loved.

  Her gasping breaths came harder, and stars danced across her vision.

  “Sage?”

  She shuddered and squeezed her eyes tighter. Why wouldn’t Tehl go away? Why did he always come back when she was at her worst?

  “Look at me, Sage,” Tehl said more firmly.

  No, she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. He was just a figment of her imagination.

  “If you won’t look at me, then breathe with me.”

  She dropped her chin to her chest and tried to slow her breathing to match his slow, deep ones. Each breath felt like she was suffocating. Her lungs burned, and her heart raced.

  “I can’t,” she gasped out.

  “You can, and you will.”

  His comment cut through all the vile emotions rolling inside of her. He was right. She wouldn’t die right now. She had to calm down.

  Sage started counting down from one hundred to calm herself. Painfully, she sucked in deep breath after deep breath, her inhales and exhales lasting five counts each. By the time she reached twenty, her heart had slowed, and her breath came in steady gusts.

  Fingers brushed her knuckles in a fleeting touch, and she jerked backward, rocking the cot. She curled her hands around the edge of the cot to steady herself. She wouldn’t risk anyone else by letting them touch her. Just being near her was dangerous enough.

  “I’m sorry,” Tehl said softly, his deep voice curling around her. “You need to open your eyes.”

  “Are you real?” she muttered.

  “I’m as real as your family and that giant man-eater eyeing me.”

  His comment caused her lips to twitch. Tehl always told her the truth and protected her. If he said he was real, he was. If he said she should open her eyes, she needed to do it.

  One at a time, she opened each eye and stared at the bowl in her lap, the scent of her vomit reaching her. She swallowed thickly as a masculine hand pulled it from her lap. Her eyes snapped shut. The last time they’d shared eye contact, she was being paraded around as the warlord’s conquest. Guilt and shame weighed heavily on her.

  “Come, now. Look at me.”

  Her mind flashed to the fuzzy memory of him reaching his hand out toward her while Nali stood between them. If he could face a leren for her, she could face her family and her fear for him. There wasn’t room to be a coward. There was no place for it in her life.

  Sage lifted her chin and forced her eyes open. He stared back at her, a black lock of hair dangling in front of his face.
He watched her, but made no move toward her. She glanced to the side, her family observing her with worry. Slowly, she turned back to Tehl. What if this was all a dream?

  One by one, she uncurled the fingers of her right hand from the cot and reached out. She expected him to move forward, but he held still. Her hand hovered in the air for a moment before she steeled herself and brushed the wayward lock of hair from his face.

  Her breath stuttered out of her lungs as the silk of his hair slipped through her fingers. He was real. He was here. With her. His smile bloomed across his face, making him so beautiful her eyes hurt. Her gaze moved from his deep blue eyes to her scratched pale hand resting against his cheek.

  He was beautiful, and she was beastly.

  She snatched her hand back and held it against her chest and then held it out in front of her. Even though the skin was damaged, she knew it would heal into flawless smooth pale skin like her injuries had never happened.

  Sage curled her hand into a fist. She was defiled, sullied, rotten, no matter how flawless she appeared. No one could remove the stain on her soul. The wounds that bled freely inside her soul would turn into ugly scars. Her eyes flickered to Tehl. She shouldn’t be allowed to mar him by touching him. She wasn’t fit to be in anyone’s company.

  His smile dimmed and the sadness that entered his gaze made her want to slap his face. She didn’t want his sadness, his pity. She wanted his hate, his revulsion. That would make this whole situation easier. She could handle those emotions.

  “Don’t let him win,” Tehl breathed.

  His words were barely audible, but she heard them nonetheless.

  Sage closed her eyes and dropped her head, sucking in a deep breath. He was right. What was important was the monster coming for them. They didn’t have a second to lose. Each moment she let pass by, floundering in despair, was another life potentially lost.

  Her brows furrowed as she pictured each horror that taunted her, each pain that she felt, as a single light in her mind. One by one, she extinguished them, a cool, disconnected feeling coming over her. As long as she kept herself numb, they might be able to get through this.

  She slowly registered the overwhelming heat licking at her clammy skin, and the intense silence that hovered in the room like low clouds before a storm.

  Sage waited patiently until all of the lights were firmly gone before she opened her eyes to meet Tehl’s concerned gaze. Throwing her shoulders back and lifting her chin, she stared him down, uttering the words that threatened to lodge themselves in her throat.

  “He comes. We need to prepare for battle.”

  Sage

  Tehl just stared at her, with no reaction to her words. Did he not understand the significance of what she said?

  “Did you hear me?” she asked softly.

  Tehl blinked. “I heard you.”

  “And?”

  “It’s being taken care of.”

  One sentence. One measly line of information. “How?” she bit out.

  An emotion flickered in his eyes before he shifted his gaze to the floor. “I have men working on this as we speak.” He looked at her through his dark lashes. “Don’t concern yourself about it. All you have to do is make sure you heal.”

  He had spoken the right words, and yet her gut rolled. He was shutting her out. Hiding things.

  Sage slowly stood on wobbly legs, anger igniting in her belly. Her mum reached out for her, but she brushed her hand away and stared at the man kneeling before her. “You will not keep me in the dark,” she said. “Stop hiding things from me.”

  Tehl blew out a breath. “I’m not hiding things from you.” He rocked back on his heels and stood, towering above her. “Please get back into bed.”

  It was a reasonable request, yet everything inside her chafed at his words. “No,” she said. “You will not tell me what to do!” The venom she heard in her own voice shocked her. “I refuse to be left in the dark,” she said again. “If I had not been left in the dark about Rhys’s disappearance, things might have been very different.”

  Tehl’s face fell. She winced but didn’t take back her words. It was plain that the words pierced her husband. They were ugly, but true.

  “Love,” her mum murmured, brushing a hand down her arm. “Tehl wants what’s best for you, as do we all. Everything will be taken care of. Why don’t you lie down and calm yourself?”

  She flicked a glance to her mum. “I am calm.” And she was. “You haven’t seen me upset.”

  “What do you want to know?” Tehl asked, his voice soft.

  She faced him and lifted her chin. “Everything.”

  A small smile tugged at his lips. “That’s a very long list. Start with a smaller request, for my sake.”

  Her mind raced. What did she really want to know? “Has the border been protected?”

  A nod. “Reinforcements have been stationed along the entire wall. No one will get through without someone seeing.”

  That was doubtful. If the Scythians didn’t want to be seen, they wouldn’t be. She’d experienced it firsthand. But something was better than nothing.

  Sage glance at Jas sleeping fitfully. Where was her other friend? “Where’s Blaise?”

  “With Sam.”

  How nonspecific. Again. Her eyes narrowed on her husband. “She’s not in the prison, is she?”

  “No.”

  “Where is she?” Words were tricky things. You could make one believe the complete opposite of what your words actually meant with a flick of the tongue. Everything was in the details.

  “She’s in the war room with Sam. She’s giving him information on Scythia.”

  Sage arched a brow at him. “Willingly?”

  “Last time I checked,” he said with humor.

  Her breath caught, and some emotion leaked through. Stars above, he was handsome when he smiled. Her lips thinned at that thought. Smiles couldn’t be trusted. Smiles hid a numerous amount of falsehoods, even if it was Tehl.

  “I want to see her.”

  He dipped his chin. “I’ll fetch her at once,” he acquiesced. “Is there anything else you need?”

  “Many things, but nothing you can give me.”

  His smiled slipped as a steely glint entered his blue eyes. “I’ll only bring her on one condition.”

  Her jaw clenched. Here it was, the bargaining tool.

  “You need to rest and stay here.”

  “You cannot cage me,” she growled. She’d go wherever she pleased.

  He held up his hands. “I would never cage you.”

  “You already have.” Sage snapped her mouth shut, hating the biting words she’d thrown at him like daggers. Why was she acting this way? They’d moved past all of this.

  Tehl winced. “I wish I could erase our past, but I can’t. I can give you my oath that I will do whatever is in my power to make sure you never feel caged again, if only you would let me.”

  “Why are you keeping me here?”

  “Because you’re not healthy,” Tehl muttered. “And I made a promise before all of this I’d see you healthy and whole.” A pause. “And I need you.”

  That was unexpected. She blinked. “Why?”

  “Because you are the key to helping us win the war.”

  Everyone always wanted something from her.

  Skepticism must have shown in her expression, because he continued. “And because you balance me.”

  “How?” All she did was bring chaos into his life.

  Tehl shifted on his feet as if uncomfortable, but never looked away. “I see the world a certain way, and the way you see it is completely different. Having you rule by my side will make Aermia better. You make me better.” Her traitorous heart tripped at his self-deprecating smile. “I’ve been told I’m too blunt.”

  “I prefer blunt,” she blurted. And she did. She’d had enough secrets and betrayal for several lifetimes.

  “And that’s why I’ll tell you the truth, even when I think it will hurt you. We both are brutally h
onest. It’s a blessing and a curse.”

  Honesty. What a strange word. When was the last time she’d experienced something honest? Pure? Bitterness flooded her. She wasn’t even sure she knew what purity was anymore. “Are you sure you know what honesty is?” They’d had their fair share of deceit between them.

  “Sage,” her mum chastised.

  Tehl held a hand up. “It’s okay. She’s allowed to speak her mind.” He moved closer, causing her pulse to spike. “My mum taught me of honesty, and you know how much I loved her. Would I besmirch her memory?”

  She knew the answer. “No.”

  “No. If I make a promise to you, I will keep it.” He scanned her face. “Now, will you compromise with me? I need your help for what is ahead of us, but we can’t do that if you’re sick. Promise me you’ll get back into bed?”

  Part of her didn’t want to compromise, hated that she had to bow to his wishes, but her logical side understood he was right. Her legs shook beneath her, and, soon, they would collapse from her weight. As much as she wanted to jump into the thick of things, she wasn’t at her best. Sage crossed her arms. “I will get back into bed if you bring Blaise to me.”

  “It will be done.”

  “Now.” Specifics mattered.

  “Now,” he repeated. He slowly held his hand out, palm up.

  Sage stared at it. It should’ve been an easy thing to take his hand, but it wasn’t. You’re not worthy of touching him. She’d made too many mistakes.

  “It’s just a hand.”

  If only he knew. It was so much more. She wasn’t good anymore. She was poison.

  “I won’t leave until you take it.”

  She studied the stubborn slant of his jaw and bit her lip. He was as stubborn as she was. If she didn’t take his hand, he’d stand there for the rest of the day. Her left leg buckled, and she locked her knees to keep standing. Sage puffed out a breath and steeled herself. Holding his hand wasn’t as bad as possibly collapsing in front of him and allowing him to see how weak she really was.

  Sage pulled her right hand from her chest and lightly placed her hand in his. She forced herself to stay still as his calloused thumb brushed over hers in a gentle caress, and then he leaned closer and placed a feather-light kiss on the back of each of her hands.