Queen of Monsters and Madness Page 42

  Her gaze dropped down to the waves below. Swimming was like flying. Lilja had flown through the water, riding the currents. It had been unlike anything she’d ever experienced. There was peace to be found under the waves, where silence reigned. How she longed for the peace. Her wings were waiting for her, if she only chose to grasp them.

  A hand touched her shoulder, causing her to jump. She glanced up into green eyes like her own.

  “Are you okay?”

  Sage placed a hand over her papa’s and forced a smile on to her face, even though the waves sung a siren song to her soul. “I’m tired.” More than anything, she wanted to be alone. To think. “Mum?”

  “Love?” Her mum stepped onto the balcony.

  She glanced between the two of them. “You both look like you haven’t slept in days. Go and get some sleep.”

  Her mum waved her away. “We’re okay, love.”

  Sage reached out and clasped her mum’s hand. “I need to bathe, and then I’m going to sleep. Please, please go and take some time. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  “We don’t need—”

  “Gwen, I think Sage needs a little time.” Her papa squeezed her shoulder and threw an arm over her mum’s. “Let’s go.”

  “But we promised,” her mum argued.

  “I have Garreth for company and protection if I wake up and you’re not back. Right?”

  “I’ll be right here the entire time, my lady,” he called from the doorway.

  Sage smiled at her mum and hugged her. “Take your time.”

  Her mum brushed Sage’s cheek. “You sure?”

  “I am.”

  Her mum squinted at her, and then pecked her on the cheek. “We’ll be back before you know it, my love.”

  Sage held it together as her parents disappeared from the doorway. Then her forced smile fell, and a sense of relief filled her as Garreth stepped into view.

  “Do you need anything?”

  She laughed. “I need many things, but all are things no one can give me.”

  Garreth hesitated in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot. “I’ll stay in the room until your family or Tehl comes back, if you’d like?”

  “No.” She waved him away. She needed privacy to think.

  “If you need me, I’ll be right outside the door.”

  She nodded, hating his scars. “I’m sorry about what happened,” she said, her voice small. “I’ll never go anywhere without my escort again.”

  “Bad things happen. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It means there are horrible people out there.”

  That was the truth if ever she had heard it.

  “I should be the one apologizing to you.” Garreth stared at floor. “I didn’t protect you like I should have.”

  “You did your best.”

  “Did I?” He shook his head. “I’m so very sorry, nonetheless.”

  “It seems we both like to blame ourselves for circumstances out of our reach,” she said, hoping to soothe him. “I don’t blame you.” She faked a yawn and sat on the bed. “I’ll call for you if I need you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”

  “My pleasure, my lady.”

  Her pulse picked up as the door closed with a thud, leaving her alone. When was the last time she was left alone? “Stop thinking,” she whispered to herself. She couldn’t go back to that place. It was too easy to fall down the black hole of nothingness.

  She stood, turning to the balcony, and moved to the railing. She stared at the ocean below. It was incredible that the waves made so much noise, when underneath the surface it was so still. The sea was the exact opposite of her. Inside was the rushing ocean crashing against the rocks, but on the outside, she kept herself still and placid. At least, she tried.

  She lifted her arms out to the side of her body and relished the wind beneath her fingertips. Stars above, what would it feel like to jump? To have the wind rushing past her until the ocean met her and silence reigned supreme?

  Sage glanced over her shoulder at the empty room and then to the waves below her. Her hands trembled as she lifted her nightgown up and swung a leg over the balcony. She froze as the thrill of fear went through her, but for the first time since she woke up, it wasn’t because of a monster. This fear was within her control.

  It would be so easy to slip off the railing and fly…

  “Darling, could you come off the railing? It’s giving me quite the scare,” a deep voice asked.

  “No,” she whispered, not looking in the direction of her newest guest. Of all the times for him to visit, it had to be now.

  “Well then, I guess I’m coming to you.”

  Large weathered hands clasped the stone railing. Marq swung a long, leathered leg over the stone edging and adopted her stance. She peeked through her fringe at the older man whom she held dear in her heart. Did he want to fly, too?

  He didn’t look her way but out toward the ocean. “I never tire of this view. Each sunset and sunrise are better than the last, and no two are alike. It gives me a measure of peace to watch it sink into the ocean’s embrace.”

  The king finally turned to her, his steely, dark blue gaze sweeping over her. “I’m happy to see you.”

  She tried to speak, but the words lodged in her throat, and she trembled, causing alarm to show on Marq’s face. She missed him. Missed his visits.

  “Darling, I know it’s not your intention to scare me, but I don’t think you’re quite well enough for this adventure. Would you mind getting down with me?”

  “I can’t,” she whispered through her cracked lips. “I want to be free.”

  “You are free. No one is holding you here.”

  Lifting her head, she stared at the birds, the wind twisting her hair around her. “I want to fly.”

  “I know the feeling well. I have a floor to ceiling window in one of my towers that I used to stand in. I always admired the birds from there. I wished I could fly, too.”

  She met his gaze. “Do you want to fly with me?”

  “No, darling, I don’t.”

  Her shoulders slumped. “Why?” How could anyone not want to be free?

  “I remembered what was important.” He held her gaze as he slid off the railing and back onto the balcony floor, and then held his hand to her. “I know it might not feel like it now, but you will fly. Maybe not in this way, but you will fly.”

  She glanced down at the water. It would be so easy to let go.

  “Sage, look at me, darling.”

  Forcing herself away from the view, she watched him as he edged closer. “I need peace,” she murmured. “Every move I make is plagued by monsters and horrors.”

  Marq smiled at her. It was a sad smile, but it didn’t hold pity. “The monsters disappear as you slay them. That is up to you.” He inhaled deeply and placed his hand over hers. “There will always be evil in the world, but it’s up to people like you and me to protect the others.”

  “I’m not strong enough,” she choked out. If she couldn’t protect herself, how could she protect others?

  “We can’t always protect ourselves from calamity, but we show courage in how we deal with the aftereffects. Those, usually, are more difficult to conquer. I need you to be my warrior. You have it inside yourself, but you need to choose to fight. No one can force you to do that.”

  “I’m so tired,” she said. She didn’t have the energy to fight. She needed sleep.

  “I know, sweetling. I know. But that is what your friends and family are for. Your fight is not alone. You are not alone, and you’re not the first person to feel this way. You are loved.” He swallowed hard. “Please take my hand.”

  She gripped the railing harder as she warred with herself. Flying would be the easy choice, but when had she ever made the easy choice?

  “Be my warrior. Take my hand.”

  Her hand felt heavy as she pried her fingers from the balcony and placed it in the king’s. He sighed and pulled her from the railing and into his arms.


  Sage shuddered in his arms as he squeezed the air from her, his heart thundering against her ear.

  “That’s a good girl. You’re so brave.”

  He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and shame crashed into her. Why did she do such a thing? It was beyond dangerous. There was a chance she’d have died if she attempted the jump.

  “I’m sorry,” she cried. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, darling. You took my hand like a warrior. That’s all that matters.”

  “I’m just so tired. I want the nightmares to leave me alone.”

  “I know. It’ll get better. We’ll fight them together. You’ll never have to fight them alone.”

  With each memory, it was like she lost a little bit more of her sanity.

  She leaned back and stared into the king’s dear, wet face. “I think I’m broken.”

  He smiled, flashing his dimples, and cupped her cheek. “You’re not broken. Maybe a little bruised and scarred, but whom of us aren’t?”

  That sounded familiar. Like she’d heard it before, but she couldn’t place her finger on it. Exhaustion weighed heavily on her, and she leaned into Marq. If only she could sleep.

  “Father?”

  Sage pried her eyes open and blinked slowly as Tehl materialized next to her.

  “She needs rest.”

  Marq transferred her to Tehl, his leather and pine scent wrapping around her as he hauled her into his arms and then placed her in the bed. She curled into a ball and snuggled into the covers. Maybe she would sleep. The bed was so soft.

  Tehl’s weight shifted and her eyes snapped open. Somehow, her fingers were clutching his shirt. His deep blue eyes met hers as he placed a hand over hers.

  “Please, don’t leave,” she said.

  “Never. I just need to remove my boots.”

  Marq leaned over the bed and brushed hair from her face. “Remember, you are my warrior. I’ll be here if you need me.”

  “The king’s warrior,” she whispered.

  He grinned at her. “It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

  Tehl

  In the span of ten breaths, Sage had fallen asleep, clutching his shirt and curled into a tiny ball, her face pinched as if she was trying to hide from her pain. Slowly, he pried her fingers from his shirt and shifted to sit up as his father pulled a blanket up over her.

  She shivered in her sleep and burrowed further into the bed, her dark brown hair a striking contrast against the white pillow. It was surreal to have her here. He’d hardly dared to hope they would retrieve her; he knew it was a high possibility she’d never come home. It was a blessing that he was eternally grateful for.

  Unable to help himself, he brushed his thumb across her worried forehead. Even in sleep, she looked terrified. His jaw clenched, and he pulled his hand back, meeting his father’s gaze. This was the warlord’s fault.

  He glanced at his father. “How long has she been here?” he asked, moving to sit in the chair next to the fireplace. His father dropped into the other chair while Tehl pulled his boots off and dug his toes into the carpet. Stars above, what a long day.

  “Garreth said only about an hour.”

  Tehl sighed, flexing his toes in his socks. Then he sat back, taking a real look at his father. His stomach dropped at the expression Marq wore. That look never boded well. He didn’t want to ask what put that expression on his father’s face, but he had to.

  “What happened?”

  His father dropped his head into his hands. “I had a conversation with Sage today that I never wanted to have with another human being.” Each word held a weight. He lifted his head, a sheen of tears in his blue eyes. “I found her straddling the railing of the balcony.” His voice cracked.

  Chills erupted along Tehl’s skin as his body flashed hot then cold, and a dull ringing filled his ears. His father’s lips moved, but he couldn’t understand them. They didn’t make any sense.

  “I don’t understand,” he muttered through numb lips.

  His father scooted his chair closer and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Sometimes, the world looks so bleak, a person only wants relief from the pain.” He swallowed thickly. “It doesn’t mean they want to leave the ones they love.”

  She didn’t love him.

  Tehl placed his head in his hands and struggled to breathe. Did she want to escape life that badly? She had so much to live for. So many people who loved her. “How did you get her down?” he managed to ask.

  “I asked her to fight. She’s always been a warrior, Tehl. She needed to be reminded that there were people who saw her strength, even if she couldn’t see it anymore.” His father sighed. “I don’t think she actually wanted to hurt herself. She wanted peace and quiet. Her memories are haunting her.”

  Tehl nodded and pinched the bridge of his nose. The nightmares, he understood. The brutality of them haunted his own dreams.

  “She’s barely slept, and, when she does, it’s more of a fight. She thrashes and cries out, but when she’s awake, it’s worse.” Tehl rubbed his eyes. “She’s a specter of herself. When a memory crashes into her, emotion cracks through for a few moments before it flickers away, and she curls back into herself.” It was like watching the destruction of a beautiful painting.

  His father pressed his lips together. “It’ll take time for her to heal. Physically, she might be okay, but emotionally and mentally, she’s not. It’ll take time.”

  But how much time? He swallowed and glanced at the open balcony doors. “What if she doesn’t get a chance to heal?” It was sheer luck that his father had been here. What if it happened again? What if she changed her mind?

  “Do you remember when you found me in the tower?” his father asked.

  He’d never forget that day. Even though he’d said some terrible things to his father, he hadn’t meant them. All he wanted was to shock his father out of his rut. It broke him to watch his father wither each day and clearly long to be away from his family.

  “Yes.”

  His father squeezed his shoulder and sat back in his chair, running a hand through his silvering hair. “That day, all I wanted was peace. When your mother died,” he rasped, “a part of me also died. Each day was a struggle to breathe, to live. The pain was indescribable. Everywhere I looked, memories assaulted me. I saw her in everything and everywhere. It was exhausting.”

  He placed a hand over his mouth, his gaze going distant. “I never wanted to die. I wanted a measure of peace. That’s all.” His eyes focused back on Tehl. “Sage didn’t want to die. I saw it on her face. She wanted an escape from the memories. That’s it.”

  He shook his head. “My memories were of our wonderful life. Hers aren’t. They’re nightmares. I can’t even imagine.” A pause. “Has she told anyone what happened there?”

  “No, not really.” He only was privy to a few things because she screamed them while she slept. Mira had been very tight-lipped about Sage, and her parents didn’t have any more information than he did.

  “She needs to speak to someone,” his father said, glancing over his shoulder at the bed. “She can’t keep all of it inside.”

  Tehl followed his gaze to the precious woman sleeping fitfully in their bed. Lost. He felt lost. He wanted to be the person she confided in. “How do I get her to confide in me? I’ve never been good with understanding people and emotions. How can I help her?” That’s all he wanted. To help her.

  “By being there for her. The most important things you can do are support, listen, and love her. She needs all of those things.”

  He could do that. His father made it sound simple, but Tehl knew it was more difficult than that. He’d rather listen to someone than speak to them, anyway. As for love… He pushed from his chair and tiptoed to the bed, pulling up the blankets she’d shrugged off, so they now reached her chin.

  He certainly cared for her. It had killed him while she was gone, but was that love? Or just devotion and caring for a friend? He didn’t know, but he’d do his
best to love her in the way he knew how. “I’ll do my best,” he vowed. He wouldn’t give up on her.

  “You will, son. You’re a good man,” his father said softly.

  High praise that he’d hold close in times ahead.

  Tehl turned as his father stood. Then, he pulled the king into a hug.

  “Be patient and kind. Nothing will be easy. The time ahead of us will be brutal and bloody, and the only way either of you will survive is by supporting each other.”

  His father released him and pressed a kiss to Sage’s cheek. “Sleep well, my little warrior, for tomorrow you’ll have to fight.” He straightened and strolled around the bed, pausing at the door. “I’ll have Gwen and Colm stay in the room across the hall. Then, if she needs them, all you have to do is holler.”

  “Thank you,” Tehl said, some of his fear dissipating. Neither one of them was alone.

  “There’s no need for thanks. Just take care of our beautiful girl.”

  “I intend to.”

  His father smiled and slipped out the door.

  Tehl rolled his neck and glanced around the room. It felt different having her here. Everything looked the same, but there was a contentment to having Sage home.

  A cold breeze drifted through the balcony doors, causing him to shiver and taking some of his contentment. He glared at them. They led to death.

  He closed the doors and locked them. Then he pulled the royal blue draperies closed for good measure. They were a reminder of what could have happened today, and it was one more thing he didn’t want to ponder.

  The hearth was cool, and that needed to be taken care of given the way Sage was shivering. Tehl crossed to the door and cracked it. “Garreth.”

  His friend turned to him. “Yes, my lord?”

  “Turn all servants away tonight. I don’t want anyone to disturb Sage.”

  “It will be done.”

  “Thank you,” he said, closing the door.

  Tehl rubbed his hand together and began his ritual for bed. He started a fire, pleased that it lit so quickly, and fed kindling into it until it could support a few logs that would get them through the night. He then moved around the room, organizing his things.